When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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