and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
