she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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