It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
