God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
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