my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
