Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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