I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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