do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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