my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
