Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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