The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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