My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
