just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
