I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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