oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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