dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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