I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
