Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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