I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
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At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
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I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
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