Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
