Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
