I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
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