i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
