my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
