She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
