omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
We had sex on a dog bed..
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
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