Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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