I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
