Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
