Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
