I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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