I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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