dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
