Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
