Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
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I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
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You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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