1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Randomize
