I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I will be naked everywhere
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
