You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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