I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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