hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
