we have pet lesbian snakes
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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