i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
