So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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