News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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