I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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