YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
