P.S. I can't hear my feet
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
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