I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
