I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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