please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
