I faked an abortion last night.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
