So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
