I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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