i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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