Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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